I’ll admit, it’s easy for all of us to speak negative before we speak positive. Unfortunately, that’s just human nature. However, I believe you have to retrain your speech patterns by purposing to speak positive. So, before you say something about ANYONE or ANYTHING, ask yourself “is this a positive or a negative statement.”Another way to think about it is this: “Would Jesus be pleased with this statement?” This kind of thinking has saved my neck several times. I was raised to believe that if you don’t have anything good to say, you don’t say anything at all. In other words, you become very careful not to speak ill of anyone, especially those who labor for the Lord – even if you feel you have the right to. Not only is this impolite it can cause serious character assassination to whoever the topic of conversation is about.
Obviously, there are some things that may need to be said that might be viewed as negativity. However, if it is said by the right person, at the right time, in the right way it can have a positive effect. One of my spiritual fathers, Leeroy Hill, always says: “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” He has a way of turning a negative into a positive by the careful way he uses his words. Not only is this wisdom but it is also masterful etiquette at work.
There’s a reason some people struggle in almost every relationship they have. A noticeable one is they don’t know how to keep their mouth shut. They speak before they think. And worse yet, they speak what they know they shouldn’t speak. Solomon said this about that kind of person:
- Proverbs 29:11 A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.
I’ve seen people snare themselves by their words. The dictionary defines a fool as “someone considered to lack good sense or judgment.”
Literally they have trapped themselves into a mindset that will ultimately be their demise. The sad part is that some think they’re justified to say anything they want. Friend, if you speak ill of God’s people, the church, your family, your spouse, etc., because you feel “justified”, you have foolishly set yourself up for failure.
- Proverbs 18:7 A fool’s mouth is his destruction, and his lips are the snare of his soul.
Here’s an example. A Christian leaves a comment on facebook of how disappointed they are with a church, a leader, or someone in their family. They feel justified to “air their heart” (dirty laundry) on the worldwide web for the devil to see and every person who breathes. When people read their comment, immediately a seed is sown into their heart. The reader must instantly make a decision, “Am I going to allow this seed of corruption to have influence on my perspective or will I just consider the source and let the comment fall to the ground?” The reader must have enough spiritual maturity to do the latter. However, not everyone has a sanctified mind or mouth for that matter.
Worse yet, people who make no public profession of faith in Christ read the comment and assume all Christians are hypocrites or that the church is no different than any other group of people in society. The sad part of this scenario is this: due to a careless comment the kingdom of God suffers and Satan laughs at the entire situation.
If you have unsaved loved ones, the worst thing you can do is make a negative comment about the church, a leader, etc. You may feel you’re justified in doing so, but friend, at the end of the day you will have undone every prayer you’ve prayed for your families’ salvation by your own mouth.
- Proverbs 6:2 Thou art snared with the words of thy mouth, thou art taken with the words of thy mouth.
- Proverbs 10:32 The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable: but the mouth of the wicked speaketh frowardness.
Consider your words today. Consider your speech patterns. Is what you’re saying “ACCEPTABLE?”
Consider the amount of time you spend on the phone, facebook, text (or whatever) talking about people and things that shouldn’t be spoken. Are your words and lifestyle painting a picture of the type of person you really are?
Also, consider the number of “run ins” you’ve had with people. I know of some people who’ve had a “run in” with someone everywhere they go. Thus, they go from church to church, mumbling under their breath and looking for someone to blame on their way out. It’s truly sad. When you watch their life, you see this behavior repeat itself in their relationships – marriage, children, family, etc. To them, everyone else is the problem.
As a pastor, I teach the truth of God’s Word every week and expect people (especially those who’ve been saved for a considerable amount of time) to just “get it”; to learn from their past mistakes and refuse to repeat them; to grow up spiritually and forsake carnal communications.
One thing that has been difficult for me to learn is that I cannot rush in and fix everyone or everything.
I have a heart for people and I desperately desire to see them succeed spiritually but also in practical living. I purposed in my heart years ago that I would give everyone the benefit of the doubt. They will have to “prove me wrong” – because I choose to give them a clean slate.
If they are a person who has developed a reputation from church to church, and they’re unrepentant or unwilling to change, then the honeymoon will soon pass and their true character will reveal itself. They’ll end up doing the same thing here that they’ve done everywhere else. (Thus, the cycle keeps repeating itself.)
I can want to help someone who really doesn’t want to be helped. In the end, I’ll spend all of my energy, trying to help them and finally realize they had no intention of changing for the better anyway. This is frustrating. Finally, I come to a realization that even though I want to “fix” everyone’s problems or see everyone helped; they have to want it for themselves.
If they’re a new convert, most of the time you will see a 180 degree turn in their behavior and a new lifestyle lived out. For me, it’s a joy to work with someone like this. Its work and not always easy to disciple a new believer but if they are truly willing to grow, regardless of how long it takes or the baggage you have to work through to get them to a substantial place of growth…in the end it’s a blessing.
One gentleman I’m working with is an example of this. I noticed something he was doing that needed a minor adjustment. I spoke to him about it and he received the instruction. In fact, he said, “thank you” for telling me this. I said, “thank you for receiving it.”
What a great attitude. He was willing to make a change for the better. This is so refreshing especially when you encounter just the opposite from people who refuse to change regardless of how many wake up calls they receive over the course of their lifetime.
You cannot build a church with carnal Christians who continually cause trouble with their mouth. I usually refer to these kinds of people as “rusty, crusty, dusty and musty.” They don’t want to change. They don’t want to grow up. They look for trouble. They cause trouble. Wherever there is trouble, you'll find their mouth has been there.
They speak out of both sides of their mouth. They are what Jesus referred to when He spoke about the Pharisees.
- Matthew 15:8 This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me.
- Matthew 15:11 Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.
At this point, you have to cut them loose while continuing to love them. No matter what you say or how you respond it won’t satisfy them or impact them for real change. You never give up on them…but you come to terms with reality. You keep an open door and pray that somewhere, somehow they will come to the decision in their own heart to do what is God pleasing.
Let me interject something here. I’ve learned over time, not to respond to emails that are hasty, nasty or cowardly. If a person doesn’t have enough integrity or spiritual maturity to meet me face to face and look me in the eye, I’m not going to give credence to such pusillanimous forms of communication.
- James 5:12 But above all things, my brethren, swear not, neither by heaven, neither by the earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation.
I have the utmost respect for someone who meets with me face to face to discuss a matter. I recall a particular situation years ago where a husband and wife were in conflict with one another over some internal issues and about where to go to church. They met with me to discuss what was going on and I was privileged to pray with them and speak into their lives. After all, I had invested a great deal of ministry into them through preaching, teaching, leadership training, prayer, etc. They ended up leaving the church to attend somewhere else. Although I hated to see them go, and knew there was more than meets the eye, I had respect for the manner in which they conducted themselves.
On the other hand, I have little respect for a person who cowardly sends an email to notify me their leaving the church or their upset with this or that. As a leader, I’m thinking … “Surely you know better than this? Have you not been with me so long, that you know this is not the correct way of doing things?” You just don’t do that kind of thing. What’s worse is someone who does this who claims to have spiritual maturity or even be called to ministry.
I humbly submit to you that I am open in my ministry. My yea is yea and my nay is nay. I’m clear on where I stand privately and publically. My preaching, teaching and living are done in the open – not in hiding. I expect nothing less from those I lead.
I have been taught better than that. I teach those I lead, better than that.
I’m thankful for the men and women in my life who pointed me to a mature relationship with Jesus. They didn’t give up on me. They loved me through my mess…but they didn’t tolerate my JUNK either.
Somewhere in our “Christian culture” we’ve gotten it backward. We’re afraid to confront people for the mess they cause with their mouth because we’re afraid of offending them. This is out of order. If you refuse to correct gossip, slander or unhealthy communication and let it go on then you are just as guilty as the person that is perpetrating. Also, if you listen to gossip, slander or unhealthy communication you are perpetrating the same sin.
I remember making a statement to our congregation years ago that was a little bold for my personality but I realize now was absolutely necessary to the welfare of the church. “If you come to BFWC and gossip, you will be rebuked. Gossip is not tolerated by anyone.” Saying that was indeed bold, but what I found is that some people needed to know how serious we were about this sin. They needed to have verbal boundaries spoken forth so they could once again recover their Godly fear and forsake this demonic activity.
At the end of the day, we must carefully examine our heart and the words that have sprung forth from the abundance of our heart. We must consider every word and action and then ask ourselves:
- “Do my words and actions bring honor to You Jesus?”
- “Have I said or done anything displeasing to You Lord?”
- “Have my words and actions drawn people to You Lord or pushed them away from You?”
If you search your heart, retrace your steps and look at the other side of the coin…you’ll find that regardless of your “hurt” or how you felt at the time, there is no excuse to speak foolishly.
My friend, with one comment you can lose your entire testimony.
I love people. I guess the Lord put this in me. Although at times I can get frustrated with people’s ill behavior or lack of stick-to-it-evenness – I never grow tired of loving them. I continue to believe that we are all pursuing a mature relationship in Jesus Christ and will stop at nothing to achieve it.
- We are committed to character development.
- We are committed to allowing our fruit to be inspected.
- We are committed to guarding our mouths from anything that is not God honoring.
- We are committed to keeping our testimonies intact.
- We are committed to be exemplary in our conduct.
- We are committed to loving one another unconditionally.
- We are committed to our families.
- We are committed to our friends.
- We are committed to our church.
- We are committed to our leaders.
- We are committed to our employment.
- We are committed to service.
- We are committed to evangelism.
- We are committed to worship.
- We are committed to discipleship.
- We are committed to fellowship.
WE ARE COMMITTED NOT TO BE FOOLISH!