Married to a Minister

When married couples enter into ministry, particularly pastoral ministry, there are not only practical lessons that must be learned but also spiritual principles that must be followed. Answering the call of God is a serious matter. Paul reminds us in Romans 11:29 that “the gifts and calling of God are without repentance.” Serving in ministry is a great privilege! At times, you’ll doubt that privilege, especially when pressures come and responsibilities mount.

However, even with the pressures, demands, loneliness, stress and endless responsibilities, serving in God’s Kingdom is still the most rewarding calling I know of. Having your heart “fixed” and your mind “made up” will carry you through the difficult times. God never intends to withdraw His gifts or calling once they’re given. He doesn’t change His mind about those He gives His grace or He sends His call.

When you grasp this, then you realize that no matter how discouraged you get, you can’t quit. Regardless of how either spouse feels, once you’ve committed to the call – there is no turning back. This is important to know, especially in marriage. You’ve often heard it said, “behind every successful man, there is a good wife.” That’s true in ministry too. Every successful minister, who’s married, must have a good spouse that is ready to remind them of their calling and be readily available to offer support especially when doubts about ministry surface.

Spouses of ministers have an incredible ministry call! Your role is to “pastor” the pastor. You’ll have to encourage him, build his confidence and learn how to deal with the negative in a positive way, because that’s what matters.

With the increase of ministry demand and ministry growth, new challenges will arise that will cause you to have to encourage yourself in the Lord. When David’s wives were kidnapped at Ziklag, the Bible says he “encouraged himself in the Lord.” (1 Samuel 30:6) In the absence of his wife, he had to do what she would have done for him. The Bible teaches us that “two are better than one.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10) If a minister does not have the full support of his spouse than greater are his chances to “fall” out of ministry and miss his destiny.

Support is essential especially when people say things that hurt you. You’ll be criticized, ostracized, envied, hated without cause and even attacked by bold people. Not to mention the mistakes you’ll make on your own. But if you and your spouse are committed to the call – you’ll weather it. The problem comes when you both become discouraged at the same time. This is where I’ve seen ministers and their families fall apart. When both are down, neither of you can lift each other up and that’s when you must cling to the principle of learning how to encourage each other in the Lord.

If your husband is a minister, it your duty and responsibility to be his biggest fan, friend and supporter! More than likely, you may be the one who either keeps him in the ministry or causes him to leave the ministry. Your attitude is so important! There are many men who are not in the ministry today because they had a wife who didn’t encourage them when they needed it and who didn’t remind them of their calling and responsibility to God.

You’ll have to pull out all the stops if you’re going to be married to a minister. Like it or not, you’ll live in a “glass house” and it won’t always be glamorous or fun. But you must learn to make the best of every circumstance. If you wallow in self-pity because you feel lonely, taken advantage of, treated unfairly or even unjustly criticized you’ll cave in to the enemies strategy. You must realize that if you weren’t doing anything credible for God, the enemy wouldn’t be trying to defeat you.

A minister’s wife also has the responsibility of the children. Your first responsibility is to your husband, and your second responsibility is to your children. Your third responsibility is to the ministry God has given you as your husband’s helpmeet in the ministry. Careful planning will help you navigate through your role as a wife, mother, and a co-laborer in the ministry.

If your husband is called – then you are called, because you and your husband are one. If you don’t sense that calling to the ministry, talk to the Lord about it, and He will make it real to you. But you need to have the call established in your heart to carry you through times of pressure.

Both Beverly and I grew up in a pastor’s home. The calling for either of us wasn’t hard to grasp or understand. Beverly has made multiple sacrifices throughout our marriage to ensure our success. Even when she may not have been as comfortable with the transitions we’ve made in ministry, whether it was evangelistic or pastoral, she learned how important it was for her to carry the calling with me. Without her flexibility and willingness to adapt, discouragement would have easily settled in my heart.

Being in the ministry with your husband doesn’t mean you take over his duties. You may not have a “pulpit” ministry to preach, but you will be called to complement one another – not compete with each other. You don’t take over your husband’s responsibilities in the ministry, but you do get involved and help him in the ministry. I have personally witnessed ministries in which the woman did not participate in any of the functions of the ministry and chose to be a “silent partner.” Guess what happened? The couple grew apart.

If the wife doesn’t get involved, there is a part of her that is unfulfilled. Her husband will get all the attention, and she will feel left out. This can not only cause discord but they will end up with nothing to talk about. When the kids are young, a husband and wife can talk about the kids. But eventually a day will come when the children will be gone and she’ll find herself married to a “stranger.”

When a man is in the ministry, that is his whole life. Often that will be all he wants to talk about. And if his wife doesn’t participate in the ministry with him, it leaves room for the devil to come in. For instance, let’s say another woman in the church does assume some type of leadership role. Then the pastor, as the head of that church, has something in common with that woman. Since he has the responsibility of the church, at times he’ll discuss things with her. Do you see how this can give place to the devil in your marriage? Thoughts will enter into the wife’s mind and she’ll begin to imagine the worst, with the help of the devil.

That’s why it’s so important that minister’s wives be the one your husband is conferring to concerning church matters. Then together you can plan projects or implement changes. Regardless of whether or not you feel you’re “qualified to lead” or not, it would behoove you to begin leading.

The devil never goes off duty. I’ve seen him destroy marriages of people who have been in the ministry for over 25 years!

One of the reasons I do not counsel women alone is because the Bible tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:22 and Ephesians 4:27 to shun the very appearance of evil and to give no place to the devil! If I have to visit a woman in the hospital, Beverly goes with me. She enters the hospital room first and makes sure that the woman we’re visiting is presentable. There are even occasions, that she’ll have to pray without me especially if the lady we’re visiting doesn’t feel presentable and would rather I not see her like that.

In marriage and in ministry, there is a right and a wrong time for a woman to speak. It is important that you choose the right time to speak or voice your opinion. Never embarrass your husband in front of others. This is so important. For instance, don't contradict your husband in public. If you work in the church office, your husband is always right! When other people are present, your husband is always right! When the two of you are alone, you can give him your opinion, but never contradict him in public.

I try to share a little bit about everything with Beverly. I don’t want her to be surprised or caught off guard when she is approached by people who want her counsel and assume she already knows about their situation. This keeps her in the loop and prepared to answer questions that come from “out of the blue.”

In your marriage, strive to build a relationship with your husband. Be his best friend. Marriage is never easy, just as the ministry is never easy. Both of you will have to build both your marriage and your ministry! You need to learn how to communicate with each other. In the ministry, there may be times when your friendship with your husband is the only friendship you have.

Learn to fight for your husband’s ministry. Solomon describes a virtuous woman in Proverbs 31:10-31.

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

• To find a woman who willing to give up all self to serve the Lord first, and then her husband is very rare.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

• What God is saying is that the husband can trust in her decisions and knows that he can depend on her for support.
• It is hard for a man to have such a responsibility for a family.
• A wife’s support is a necessity.
• I believe that " he shall have no need for spoil" means that his wife makes him complete.
• There was no need for outside influence, be it financial needs, sexual needs, emotional needs, or physical needs.
• Besides having God as deity the wife helps to make the man feel complete.
• Believe it or not women but God did not give you your husband so that you can make him who you think he should be.
• God gave you your husband so you could pray for, hold up, strengthen and uplift this man, while God was tearing down, uprooting and creating him into the man of God that he was called to be.
• It is vital that woman are on their knees in prayer doing warfare for their Husbands so that they can be the leader that God has called them to be.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

• A wife's responsibility is to be a spiritual support for your husband.
• If you are not seeking God's will for your husband, doing warfare for your husband, than you are doing evil towards your mate.
• A wife’s responsibility is not making the decisions, but it is praying for your husband that he makes the right decisions.
• A wife and Mother's job never ends.
• It is twenty four hours a day seven days a week.
• So be instant in season and out of season.
• Never let the devil steal your victory or your family.
• You are the strength and foundation that God will stand on to lift your Husband and your children up into the Heavenlies to fulfill the call of God in their lives.

Ladies, pray for your husband. Men don’t always talk. They don’t talk about the secret struggles that they are going through. Stand in the gap for your husband! Battle for him…not with him. Lift his hands and keep him encouraged.

Every minister’s wife feels discouraged, confused and isolated at one point or another. Depression is very common. Minister’s wives aren’t perfect, and some do not conform to ridiculous expectations, to be a preacher, piano player or a gourmet chef.

Minister’s wives must know who they are and what their priorities are – not mold themselves into what other people want them to be just to please people. Your number one goal is to please God.