Relational Equity - Article in Messenger Magazine (February 2011 Edition)

Relational equity to me is best described as a relationship in which time and emotional investment has been made that renders an increased value from which to draw.

Definitions:

• Relational - expression of a relationship.
• Equity – built up value over time.

As a Pastor I have relationships with many people. However, I would have to say that each relationship is different based upon the individual. I guess it could be called “tiered” in some aspects. I have relationships with my staff, ministry leaders, volunteers, parishioners and acquaintances. The development of each is a process which requires trust, time and shared interests.

When I consider those closest to me in my leadership circle, even those relationships can be layered. Here’s an example of what a relationship with one of my staff members may look like:



Pastor/Parishioner – normally the relationship begins when a person embraces the vision of the church and then decides to make it their home. At this level, a pastor/parishioner relationship is established. I shepherd them and make sure they are fed the Word of God weekly.

Leader/Follower – as this relationship continues, often I begin to recognize leadership potential. Once I determine the desire of the individual, I extend an invitation for mentorship and leadership development. At this level, I meet with them weekly and pour into them leadership principles. An expectation is established of loyalty and faithfulness.

Father/Son – this may or may not happen. It is really up to the individual. I can desire to be someone’s spiritual father, but will never be till they claim me as such. If the relationship leans in this direction, I view them as a “son” and begin to speak into their lives from a fatherly perspective which will include spiritual and practical guidance. At this level, I will also correct areas in their life that need adjusted. I view them as if they were my own blood relative and look for ways to bless them.

Employer/Employee – Of all the paid staff I have on staff, all of them came to the church and started with a pastor/parishioner relationship first. Obviously, at this level, another dimension of the relationship is established. There are benefits for hiring within the church. There can also be disadvantages.

• Benefits
• A leadership culture is established where those who are excelling and growing are equipped into staff members.
• They have already caught the spirit of the vision and fit into the culture of my ministry.
• They are generally more loyal to the vision. Rather than being another rung on a ministry ladder, they see themselves attached to a life calling.
• They can bring life experience.
• Challenges
• Limited ministry experience. They may be gifted and passionate but it’s still a huge step to move from secular work to ministry work. Development is needed in ministry basics.
• If it doesn’t work out, it is generally more painful for everyone. If I hire from within, chances are I did so because I know and love the person. If they don’t succeed, moving or removing them can be costly on many levels.
• It can be hard on families. The rhythm and schedule of the church is so unusual and different from secular work that it can be a difficult transition for spouses and children.

Friend/Friend – this can be the best part of the relationship. You have to know what hat to wear and when to wear it. I expect my staff to know how to flow in and out of relationship with me. When it’s time to for fun…we have fun. When it’s time to work…we work. In all honesty, how can I expect my parishioners to have authentic relationships with one another, if I can’t model it with a member of my staff?

With each level, deeper levels of relationship are established. By the time you reach the friend/friend stage there is enough groundwork laid for a true bond.

As the journey continues, all five levels will be tried and tested. Knowing how to balance each is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship.

There may be a situation that may call for me to speak as an employer. If so, the individual has to know how to wear their employee hat and roll forward without being offended. Since I’ve hired them to serve with me to fulfill the vision of the church, a certain level of emotional health and spiritual maturity is required.

Once we have established all five levels, it is my desire to see this function with a continual flow. Obviously, getting to the friendship level means four foundational levels have already been established. This has its advantages.

• Intimacy – a sharing of heart and soul. This means a true transparency of strengths and weaknesses.
• Mutual openness – free to speak openly, respectfully.

One of the key things for me is for my staff to be able to recognize what hat I’m wearing and what I’m thinking. This is discerned because of the amount of time spent together having our hearts truly knit. My speech and body language can be forth telling to what I’m thinking.

A misconception on the friendship level is to assume that the work that is done at the church is investing in the friendship. However, the work done at the church may be done for me (as unto the Lord) but it is actually performed in the role of employee not friendship.

Although a lot of time is spent together at work, it does not take the place of friendship time. True friendship investment takes place mostly outside of the church and work. This must be mutually reciprocated. In most friendships, there is an equal exchange of relational investment.Consider the exchange of giving and taking.

If this gets out of balance, then the relationship suffers. If one person does a majority of the giving on the friendship level and the other person does the majority of taking then the relationship his hampered on this particular level. Frustration can set it in which can even effect the original four levels already established.

Relational Equity

1. Build Trust – there must be mutual trust built within the leadership circle. What is shared in private must remain safely within the confines of the relationship. When a commitment is given there must be follow-through. A mutual “looking out for one another’s best interest” must be honored at all times. That you can trust one another with anything. Trust is essential for relational equity.
2. Apologize when necessary – saying “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong” is powerful. We’re all going to make mistakes…everyone does. It’s how we choose to handle them that matters. When you fail, be humble, admit it, move on and try not to make the same mistake again. Mercy is normally extended if humility is visible and a person is continually trying to improve. On the opposite side – people tend to oppose those in whom they feel no remorse.
3. Do what you say you will do – this really boils down to the daily practices of our life. Be on time, follow through, make the call or send the email when you were asked to or you said you would. Whatever you say you’re going to do…do it. It’s my personal opinion that it is the little daily things that rob us of relational equity. Be careful to be a person who does what you say you will do. The last thing you want is to gain the reputation of the person who can’t be counted on.