Coachable or Critical?

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Criticism

1. Guess what? If you’re going to LEAD, you’re going to be CRITICIZED. If you haven’t been criticized yet, then you haven’t been leading very long …OR you haven’t heard about it yet! 

2. Every leader will face the SHIMEI SPIRIT. (2 Samuel 16) You will have to endure NAME CALLING & STONE THROWING. 

3.  Through a process of TIME & TESTING, God will position ARMOR-BEARERS around LEADERS who possess an ABISHAI ANOINTING. (2 Samuel 16)

4. Your ability to take criticism can MAKE or BREAK you. No one is indifferent to criticism! It causes you to respond either positively (growth & maturity) or negatively (bitter & resentful).

5. LEADERS are more subject to CRITICISM than any other people. Criticism is something you can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing & being nothing. 

6. It will COST you, to be a LEADER. If you’re willing to STAND OUT from the crowd, you’re putting yourself in a VULNERABLE position, so count on some form of criticism!

7. The question is not, “Will I be CRITICIZED?” but “How will I HANDLE & LEARN from criticism when it comes my way?"

No Critics Allowed (Part 2)

Continued...

4. The Manipulator

Watch out for manipulators, or bullies, who try to use their negativity to intimidate and manipulate your thoughts. If you study them from a distance, you will realize that these people are overly self-focused. In other words, the people around them (YOU) fit into their plan simply based on how they can be used or manipulated for their own personal gain.

These people routinely prioritize their own feelings and needs over and above everyone else's. They will demand that you bend over backward to help them, but if, you ever need help, they will not be around.

The bottom line:  Some people will say and do anything, thoughtlessly, to get others to do what they want them to do. Do not accept this behavior as normal. When someone tries to bully you, stand up for yourself and say, "Not on my watch! This is out of order!"  And if they refuse to reason with you, walk away without a fight.

5. The Actor

Sometimes, you will have to deal with people who insist that you should be someone else. But, in the long run, it's always better to be disrespected for who you ARE than respected for who you ARE NOT.  in fact, the only relationships that work well are the ones that make you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself, and without preventing you from outgrowing the person you used to be.

In life, you will change.  Sometimes your family and friends will fail to recognize this and continue to label you in an unfair way based on who you used to be; and it's easy to end up CONFORMING to these labels because you remember when they were true. 

What's important to remember is that you're the only person in the world who knows what's happening inside your head right now.  People who don't know you well may assume you're someone else entirely. And people who think they know you well may have pigeonholed you - but you know there's more to you than what they see!

When you IGNORE their opinions and decide to be who you are, instead of who they want you to be, you open yourself up to real love, real happiness, and real success.  There is no need to put on a mask. There is no need to pretend to be someone you're not.

You don't have control over what others think about you, but you do have control over how you decide to internalize their opinions. Leave them to their own judgments. Don't feel threatened and don't conform just to please them. Let people love you for who you are, and not for who they want you to be. Or let them walk away if they choose. They can't harm you either way; it's their understanding that is faulty, not yours.

More to come...

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No Critics Allowed (Part 1)

On the wall in the gym I attend is a sign that says “No Critics!”  Every time I see it, I’m reminded that, in life, criticism is just par for the course.  Obviously all criticism isn’t bad.  In fact, we need the right kind of criticism in our life in order to grow.  Even a battery operates on positive & negative.

However, some people are so focused in seeing the negative side of things that they leave zero room for positive things to grow. People like this are entwined in our families, work environments and social circles. It can be emotionally draining just being around them, and you must be careful because their negative attitudes and opinions are venomous and contagious. 

Negativity perpetuates itself, breeds dissatisfaction and clutters the mind.  And when the mind is cluttered with negativity, happiness is hard to come by.

What do you do?  You ignore these people and move on from them when you must. 

Seriously, you have to be strong and know when enough is enough!  Letting go of negative people doesn’t mean you hate them, or that you wish them harm; it just means you care about your own well-being.  Because every time you subtract negative from your life, you make room for more positive.

What kind of people do you need to distance yourself from?

1. Drama Queens

Some people love to stir up controversy and drama for no apparent reason.  Don’t buy in to their hoop-la.  Stay out of other people’s drama and don’t needlessly create your own.

• Don’t spew hostile words at someone who spews them at you. 
• Keep your composure and replace the stink of confrontation with the fragrance of resolution.  The louder the opposition wants to yell, and the more drama they want to stir, the calmer and more confidently you need to think and speak. 
• Don’t let them get to you.
• Be an example of a pure existence; ignore their outlandish antics and focus on kindness.
• Communicate and express yourself from a place of peace, from a place of love, with the best intentions. 
• Use your voice for good – to inspire, to encourage, to educate, and to spread the notions of compassion and understanding. When someone insists on imposing their hostility and drama on you, ignore them and walk away. 

2. Hard To Please People

Some people are impossible to please; you will not be able to break through to them no matter what you do.  Accept this reality.

Throughout your lifetime some people will discredit you, disrespect you and treat you poorly for no apparent reason at all.  Don’t consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval and don’t make any space in your heart to hate them.  Simply walk away and leave it in God’s hands.  Realize that bit of time you spend on them will be wasted, and any bit of hate and aggravation in your heart will only hurt you.  

3.  Dream Killers

Stop giving credit to those who discredit your dreams.  These people are punishing your potential by slowly extinguishing your inner flame with their watered down vision of what you are capable of achieving.

If you give in and let their negativity convince you of who you are, their madness will wither you away.  You will convert into who they say you are, rather than living honestly as yourself.  In this way, these people will steal your life from you.  You will lose track of where their opinion ends and your reality begins.  Their fiction will become your life’s story.

What you’re capable of is not a function of what others think is possible for you.  So look beyond their presumptions and mental limitations, and connect with your own best vision of what YOU are capable of and how YOUR life can be.  Life, after all, is an open-ended journey, and 99% what you achieve comes directly from what you work to achieve on a daily basis.

God has big plans for you...keep dreaming lofty dreams!

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Keep That Bone To Yourself

Ever been guilty of jumping on someone else's bandwagon before you knew the facts and the truth for yourself? I have been guilty of this. 

I've listened to other leaders rant and rave about someone they didn't "agree with" whether it was their theology, personality, leadership style or appearance. They had me sold on the fact that these people were "evil", "off in their thinking" and we all needed to steer away from "the likes" of them. 

I was naive and wanted to please them so I bought into their garbage rather than using my own brain and investigating for myself. 

I now know that if someone comes to you talking about someone else, they'll talk about YOU to someone else. A hard lesson learned. 

Time and experience has taught me that I ONLY have room in my life for COVENANT relationships. 

Never base your opinion of someone based on someone else's opinion.  Do your own due diligence and allow the Holy Spirit to lead you. Never talk ABOUT someone if you haven't talked TO them. 

God taught me that lesson and now, before I say anything critical of anyone I go over these three questions…

#1 DO I REALLY KNOW THIS PERSON?

Honestly, most of the criticism you face in life is from people who really don't KNOW you. It's easy for people to misconstrue something they hear or read and come to a "conclusion" without ever having the courage or courtesy to talk to you FACE to FACE.

Over the years, I've heard people crucify Joel Osteen on his television interview with Larry King.  He's been called a heretic and his faith called into question by people who don't even KNOW him. Friend, unless you KNOW Joel, unless you've talked to him for yourself...then it is idiotic to form an opinion of him based on a 30 second clip from a television show.

The bottom line is, unless you KNOW the person for yourself, have spent time with them and heard them share from their heart...be careful what you believe from other sources.

#2 WOULD I SAY THIS FACE TO FACE?

Probably not.  Most of the boldness you see from people today is on the Internet.  It has become a place for cowards, who do not have the love of Christ or the correct interpretation of Matthew 18:15-17, to hideout and bash anyone from behind their keyboard.  Most cowards think it's OK to send an anonymous email or place a comment on a blog with a fake email address.  You know what you should do with those? DELETE. :)

You may differ with someone's theology or even their methodology...but if you must disagree, do so one-on-one.  In doing so, you'll probably walk away having been stretched and challenged as to what they believe and why they believe it.

It takes GUTS to talk to someone face-to-face...anyone can blog, facebook or tweet.

#3 WILL I CAUSE DISSENSION WITH OTHERS?

According to Proverbs 6:16-19 God HATES it when someone does this.

You may have an opinion...we all do.  But God certainly hasn't released any of us to BLAST people publicly no matter how right we may feel we are.  By doing so, we release a firestorm against them which God hates.

Believe me...what you do to someone else...will eventually be done to you.  The world is watching...and when Christians cause Christians to get mad at other Christians...somehow I just don't believe God is pleased.

These are three questions you need to ask yourself BEFORE you jump on someone else's bandwagon, carry their bone or keep the tail wagging.

I have to be honest.  I've had my own share of attacks and some of them heartbreaking. Yet, in the midst of them, God's love has been so intimate and encouraging.  I know firsthand that you want to react, respond, lash out, vent and defend yourself.  However, just because you know something and could enlighten the world...that doesn't mean you should. (Refer to question 3.) 

Remember, we are all people who have to spend time on the potter's wheel repeatedly. I yearn for God's people to act like God's people...but then I remember that I'm flesh and blood too and am a work in progress.  

Stay focused on your assignment, look to Jesus and pray your way through. 

#YouGotThis

A Coach Believes the Best in You

Marvin Sapp released a great song "The Best In Me" a few years ago.  The lyrics are simple but the message is strong...

He saw the best in me
When everyone else around
Could only see the worst in me

A COACH believes the best in you...a critic always assumes the worst.  Friend, why would you ever listen to a person that believes the worst about you?
There are four types of leaders we need in our lives...

1. Rock Leaders
2. Gravel Leaders
3. Sand Leaders
4. Water Leaders

Each of these leaders have a distinct voice at distinct seasons in our life...

1. Rock Leaders can be abrasive in their communication with you and how they deal with a situation in your life or character. 
2. Gravel Leaders can rub you the wrong way in what they say but they also have walked where you are walking and can identify with where you're at.
3. Sand Leaders will filter you with their compassion, listening skills and understanding.
4. Water Leaders will refresh you when you're dry and thirsty.

Whenever I've been corrected or instructed by a COACH, I know they aren't approaching me  in cruelty but in courtesy.  They VIEW me through the lens of "God's Got a Great PLAN for You!"

However, a critic can almost be compared to a vulture...circling overhead just waiting on you to fail.  Sometimes, in the ministry, a vulture can swoop in looking for a piece of a sermon or a blog that they can rip out of context.  A critic doesn't care anything about the person they are criticizing...they just want to rip you apart with assumptions.

A COACH knows what you're capable of and will push you to a STANDARD even when it's uncomfortable. What profit is it to us if we are allowed to UNDER PERFORM?  A COACH will help us address the areas that we need to improve in but they will do it in such a way that we still feel loved afterward.

Roger Staubach who led the Dallas Cowboys to the World Championship in '71 admitted that his position as a quarterback who didn't call his own signals was a source of trial for him.  

COACH LANDRY sent in every play.  He told Roger when to pass, when to run and only in emergency situations could he change the play (and he had better be right!).  

Even though Roger considered coach Landry to have a "genius mind" when it came to football strategy, pride said that he should be able to run his own team.  Roger later said, "I faced up to the issue of obedience.  Once I learned to obey there was harmony, fulfillment and victory."

God says, "I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).  He's made each of us as His "workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which god prepared in advance for us to do" (Ephesians 2:10).  He will "equip you with everything good for doing His will" (Hebrews 13:21).

God has had His eye on you since before there was a world.  He put you here to make a difference only you can make - because He never made another one like you.  but so many people miss what they were born to be because they want to stay where it's safe.  And yet, Jesus is there, calling you to aim higher than what you've been settling for.  He wants you to go for the GOLD, not to settle for what's easy but empty.

More and more, my COACHES have stirred me to move out of where it was comfortable to follow HIM in a risky obedience.  Actually, there's no such thing as a risky obedience, only a risky disobedience.  When I've responded and gone with Him where I've never gone before, He has never left me out to dry!

COACH JESUS is calling you to do something big for Him!  He has put COACHES in your life who BELIEVE the BEST in you!

A Coach Will Walk With You

We all need someone speaking into our lives...but we can't be obsessed with everybody who has something to say about our lives.

Teddy Roosevelt said, "It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.  Whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause.  Who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement, and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

Anyone who leads will have their share of critics.  Criticism isn't all bad.  In fact, God can use your critic to catapult you.

Not everyone will agree with you.  That's OK.  Even your friends will probably disagree with you from time to time.  Again, that' OK.  "The wounds from a FRIEND can be trusted..." (Proverbs 27:6)

Jesus never allowed His critics to direct the course of His ministry.  Jesus surrounded Himself with a great team.  His example tells us that doing ministry ALONE is not only foolish...it's arrogant.  God has placed people in our lives for the purpose of ENCOURAGING and CORRECTING us.

Who should we listen to?  Honestly, there's hardly ever a time when you should listen to a critic...but we should ALWAYS listen to a coach.
  

Critics hardly KNOW you...but a coach has WALKED with you.

When we allow the voices of those who barely know us to influence us...then we are headed down the path of distraction.

This past year, as I watched our UPWARD Football games, I was particularly impressed by the coaching style of Payton Williams.  He took time to teach his players how to play the game better.  He spoke with them on a level they could understand.  His care for their welfare built a TRUST in their reception to his voice.

Leader...as you lead...remember that anyone who walks out in front will get kicked in the hind-end! 

Whatever you do...DO NOT give your valuable time and energy to the person in the stands who is chowing down on cotton candy and a frozen coke and does nothing but yell their opinion the entire time.  Give your time to a TRUSTED COACH who sees you as a human being and is interested in your success.

Paul said, "Although you have 10,000 instructors YET you have not many fathers." (1 Corinthians 4:15)  There are a lot of people speaking...some criticism, some celebration...but I'd say the thing that a COACH has that a CRITIC does not is my RESPECT.
It's a process...

1. Explaining - When we first came to BFWC I felt that I had to explain what God had called me to do and the purpose behind each decision we were making.  I hoped that I could get people to understand the WHY and the WAY.  However, I soon learned that most critics don't want an explanation...they want an argument.  They want the chance to shame you, to speak down to you, to tell you how right they are...and how much you stink.  I learned the hard way that trying to explain everything to everybody is fruitless and pointless.
   
   Don't waste your time trying to explain yourself to anyone who doesn't have the courtesy or the courage to look you in the eye and conduct themselves Biblically.
   
2. Bickering - Avoid arguing.  If you spend all your energy trying to put out the fires of negativity against your church, your ministry, your integrity, etc., all you'll end up with a "he said, she said" situation.  Apostle Paul said in 2 Timothy 2:23 to not have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments.  Move on.
   
3. Irritating - Allowing the Holy Spirit to develop Galatians 5:22-23 in your life is a process.  Without the FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT in us, we'd end up doing some stupid things out of anger.  When you let anger get the best of you...it will control you.  You'll spend all your time trying to answer your critics rather than really listening to the Lord...which can end up causing you emotional and spiritual damage.
   
   Remember when Paul told the church in Ephesus to NOT let the devil get a foothold? (Ephesians 4:27)  He was trying to help us steer clear from these offenses.
   
   Friend, don't allow the enemy to control you through your critics.  You are called to be on the OFFENSE in the Kingdom of God...NOT the DEFENSE!
   
4. Ignoring - Rid yourself from junk. Delete, remove, ignore and cut it out of your life.  Some people actually think that Facebook and Twiiter are the REAL WORLD and a REAL FAMILY.  They spend their lives distracted in the over indulgence of cyberspace.  When you're working for God, you don't have time to read negativity let alone post it.  Ask yourself this..."would Billy Graham do that?"  If not, then neither should we.
   
   The best way to put out the fires of hatefulness is to pour water...NOT gasoline.  I love what Nehemiah said in Nehemiah 6:1-4 when his critics tried to get him to take his eyes off of the work, "I am doing a great work...and I cannot come down."  Friend...STAY ON THE WALL...there are so many people that need you to stay focused!
   
5. Loving - Jesus wept over Jerusalem...but He also turned over the tables in the temple.  There is a time to respond in boldness but there is also a time to respond with love and compassion.  I prefer the latter.
   
   Remember when the prodigal son came home and the older brother didn't come in the house to meet him?  The father goes outside and pleads with the older brother to come in.  It seems that the older brother (the critic) was just as lost as the younger one.
   
   Loving people with compassion doesn't mean you have to explain everything to them...or even exchange words with them...but simply praying for them and asking God to allow them to come into the house and celebrate what God is doing - even if they don't understand the process.