Fathering The Fatherless (Part 1)

I can't explain it really. I feel I actually stumbled into it with clumsy feet and have spent more than a decade trying to figure out the twists and turns of spiritual fatherhood and sonship.

How do you become a spiritual father to someone who has never had a spiritual father, who has lacked a natural father in their life or has daddy issues? My journey began in 2004 and to say that it is a learning curve is an understatement.

There are many things I've discovered relationally and spiritually, as a father, son, pastor and leader, that I will share as I write more. 

Having access to a spiritual father can be one of the most amazing relationships. Not only do you experience the comfort of affirmation, knowing that you're affirmed by someone, but you also experience a true sense of belonging.  If you're fortunate to have a father(s) that is transparent in their leadership - they lead from their weaknesses as well as from their strengths - you're doubly blessed!

These relationships have afforded me, as a son, encouragement, generational posterity, wisdom and blessings. I pray that every person will have the opportunity to connect with multiple spiritual fathers and mothers in their lifetime. Let me add, not everyone is a true spiritual father or mother.  Some might be considered more like a confidant or a mentor rather than a true spiritual father or mother. Be careful "naming" everyone as a "spiritual father/mother" in your life...it doesn't work like that.

In my experience in spiritual sonship and fatherhood, I've learned to value this relationship and all that it affords. Here are a few things I've been able to glimpse...

1. SPIRITUAL FATHERS WILL NOT INTENTIONALLY HURT YOU

Now, I'm not talking about getting your feelings hurt, your wings clipped or even the private correction that leaves a mark on your pride...I'm talking about the protection you're afforded in their care. They will create an ark of safety, if you will, and allow you to float under their counsel, ministry, etc. 

It's in this environment that you learn who you are as a person, a minister, a leader, a father, a son, a spouse, etc.  This is where you flourish, because you're afforded the freedom to be yourself while you're learning and maturing. 

Spiritual fathers create a safe place for you to dream and develop. They don't allow you to be pounced on or your spirit killed by people who haven't earned the level of relational trust they provide. By the way, relational trust is a byproduct of relational equity. This is achieved by mutual consideration not obligation.

2. SPIRITUAL FATHERS LEAD FROM PRACTICE NOT THEORY

How can you teach me to be a son, if you're not a son?  How can you teach me what you have never experienced for yourself?  Spiritual fatherhood and sonship is an organic process. It's an intentional relationship that crosses time, age, ethnicity and culture. For you to father well, you must learn how to be a son.

I think there is more to this than we realize. If I can learn how to be a spiritual son to my Heavenly Father, as I live a submitted life, then I can be trusted to be a spiritual father for the people He entrusts me to lead here on earth.

Before you sit up under someone as a spiritual son, find out who their spiritual fathers are. If they can't name them...run.

There are several examples of spiritual fatherhood and sonship in the Scriptures.  Elijah and Elisha, Moses and Joshua, Paul and Timothy to name a few. These examples are important because they teach us the role and practice of spiritual fathers and sons.

Before Elijah became a spiritual father to Elisha, he had spent many years developing, processing, fine-tuning and establishing himself as God's prophetic voice. He walked through many situations that required faith, obedience and integrity.  Therefore, he could lead Elisha because he himself had walked through PROCESS. 

A spiritual father will teach you what to do and what not to do.  They don't just teach...they live it out. Their life is a living epistle. 

3. SPIRITUAL FATHERS HAVE WALKED AHEAD 

In my experience, having the voice of a spiritual father in my life, when facing uncertainty, has been a saving grace.  I have called my spiritual father(s) on multiple occasions to ask for prayer, seek counsel, talk about life and remain relationally connected. Their wisdom and advice have strengthened my leadership. The key to this is...you must be able to RECEIVE instruction and correction on their terms...not yours. 

Listening to my spiritual father(s) have helped me overcome major battles in my life because they have helped me face them with confidence.

If you are blessed to have a "spiritual father" in your life, I encourage you to receive instruction from them, even if you don't like what they're saying. At the end of the day you'll be glad you did.  Spiritual fathers aren't trying to limit you, they're trying to lift you. They've walked ahead in life and ministry and know where the bends in the road are. If you'll receive their instruction, correction and warnings, you'll save yourself and your household from needless struggle.

4. SPIRITUAL FATHERS DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK TO SPEAK

When I'm able to be in the presence of any of my spiritual fathers, I spend more time observing, listening and watching them than speaking. I want to hear what they have to say, even when they're not saying anything.  What I mean is, their body language, expressions, actions and unspoken words resonate loudly in my spirit. 

Just being in the presence of a spiritual father brings added strength. Just knowing they're in the room, even if they don't say anything, brings empowerment and encouragement to me.

Rather than doing all the talking, try observing more. Chances are you'll learn more by observing your leader than monopolizing every conversation. Oftentimes, their presence alone will help you see what you couldn't see.

5. SPIRITUAL FATHERS PROVIDE A BLESSING IN THE BRUISE

We've heard the old cliche "Take you to the woodshed" more times than I care to think. Most of the time, it's a reference to disciplinary steps imprinted on your spiritual backside.  Although, we don't always like to receive correction, I've learned to value correction especially when it's done correctly.  

You see, a true spiritual father wants to see you grow and mature into your purpose.  Unfortunately, we have many people in the body of Christ who have struggled to grow up.  Many are still behaving in childish ways, because they were never fathered into maturity. 

The Apostle Paul, a spiritual father, told the Church in Corinth, "When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put aways childish things." (1 Corinthians 13:11)

We have learned firsthand today that age doesn't equate maturity. When you have a spiritual father in your life, they will instruct you and even correct you to pull you out of adolescence into adulthood.  Maturity is important to our growth and development. That's one of the reasons we need spiritual fathers in our life. Not only will they demand that we grow they will invest in our growth through spiritual impartation. If you can handle the weight they apply to you through teaching, training, expectations and demands, you'll blossom as a leader!

6. SPIRITUAL FATHERS LEAD THOSE WHO CAN BE LED

• Who are you accountable to? 

• Who asks you the tough questions? 

• Who have you invited into your life relationally that is dealing with the real you?

Accountability isn't something to be feared, it's something to be embraced.  Accountability is more than just fact checking everything you've done wrong...it's about reminding you of the calling that is upon your life.

Spiritual fathers lead those who are willing to be led. They lead them up, simply by walking with you as a watchful eye. They are there to remind you of who you are and make sure you never forget it. Spiritual fathers aren't walking around with a video camera trying to "catch you" in something...they're walking beside you as a friend that will not leave you even if you miss the mark or trip on the road of life.

I appreciate this and have come to value it in my life. A TRUE SPIRITUAL FATHER will not ignore areas in your life that need shaping. They will allow you to grow through your mistakes while believing in you, protecting you and covering you.  They will not give up on you.

No one likes to be corrected. However, if you can handle the correction, you've proven that you can indeed be led not only when life feels like a big blessing but also when life is tough.  You've proven that you are TRUE SON.  

7. SPIRITUAL FATHERS PROVIDE PROVISION

I'm thankful for the spiritual fathers in my life. They have endured many hardships, life lessons, trials of faith and temptations to provide PROVISIONS in my life!  Even though they're the ones who "fleshed" it out, I'm the one who enjoys the blessings!  Their TRIAL becomes my TRIUMPH!  

This lets me know that I too can endure hardship as a good soldier of Jesus Christ and pass on my victories to my generational seedline!  If my spiritual fathers could SURVIVE and THRIVE...then I can do the same!  In fact, because they have taught me what they learned, during their hard places, I've already gained an advantage. They have "set me up" for success and equipped me with the tools I need to succeed.

The key is I have to be willing to posture myself as a son to receive the mantle of my spiritual father. 

If you feel fatherless, whether naturally or spiritually, I want to encourage you to remain teachable. If you do, God will send a teacher into your life who will help you. In fact, He may send multiple people, in various seasons of your life, who are teachers, mentors, confidants as well as spiritual fathers. 

Who Do You Give Your Ear To?

Five Things For Monday

1. Over time, I've learned that those who aren't willing to look for SOLUTIONS become aggravated with ANSWERS. After all, if they didn't have something to COMPLAIN about they wouldn't have anything to post on social media.

2. Your TAILOR-MADE problem can't be fixed with an OFF-THE-RACK solution. You need a mentor, with enough wisdom, to FIT you with a seamless strategy.

3. "I can't, it won't work, there's no way, I'm too broke, it's impossible, it's not fair & it's too hard..." aren't SOLUTIONS. Change your VOCABULARY to receive an EXTRAORDINARY answer!

4. You'll exhaust your energy providing SOLUTIONS to a person that needs the PROBLEM so they can have something to complain about.

5. You don't have to beg God to SOLVE your problems, the SOLUTION has already been supplied - Hebrew 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Coachable or Critical?

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Mentorship: Practical & Crucial

Question: How do you define MENTORING?

• Webster's: someone who teaches or gives help and advice to a less experienced and often younger person.
• I believe that mentoring is a RELATIONAL experience in which one person empowers another by sharing God-given RESOURCES.

Question: Is there a difference between DISCIPLING and MENTORING?

• A DISCIPLER could be defined as someone who helps an understudy (1) give up their own will for the will of God, (2) live daily a life of spiritual sacrifice for God's glory, and (3) strive to be consistently obedient to the commands of The Lord.
• A MENTOR, on the other hand, provides modeling, closer supervision on special projects, individualized help in many areas - discipline, encouragement, correction, confrontation, and a calling to accountability. 

Mentoring is a PROCESS of opening our lives to others, of sharing our lives with others; a process of living for the next generation.

My life verse is Psalm 145:4 "One generation shall praise thy works to another, and shall declare thy mighty acts."

• This verse speaks of passing something on to the generation following.
• It speaks to me of being generationally minded.

Consider this old Chinese Proverb:

• "If you are planting for a year, plant grain.
• If you are planting for a decade, plant trees.
• If you are planting for a century, plant people."

Planting people takes TIME.  More time spent with fewer people equals greater lasting impact for God.  

While some seek to impact the MULTITUDE, it's the ONE that remains with you till the end. 

Remember that it was the multitude that left Jesus first when He was on His way to the cross...followed by the 70, the 12 and the 3...but only the 1 (John) remained at the foot of the cross.

Your greatest impact is in the one!

• Moses mentored Joshua.
• Naomi mentored her daughter-in-law Ruth.
• Ezra mentored Nehemiah.
• Elijah mentored Elisha.
• Elizabeth mentored her cousin Mary.
• Barnabas mentored Paul and John Mark.
• Paul mentored his spiritual son Timothy.

Question: Who is your Paul?

• Do you have a SPIRITUAL mentor who is pouring his/her life into you the way Paul poured his life into Timothy?
• Do you have someone you can go to for WISE counsel?
• Do you have someone who is a GODLY example for you and a model worth imitating?
• Do you have someone who lives out BIBLICAL values and spiritual maturity?
• Do you have someone with solid SKILLS that can help you improve where you are weak?

JOB DESCRIPTION of a MENTOR

1. A willingness to spend the TIME it takes to build a bonded relationship with the learner.
2. A commitment to believing in the POTENTIAL and FUTURE of the learner; to telling them what kind of exciting future you see ahead for him or her; to visualizing and verbalizing the possibilities of his or her life.
3. A willingness to be VULNERABLE and TRANSPARENT before the learner, willing to share not only strengths and successes but also weaknesses, failures and brokenness.
4. A willingness to be honest yet AFFIRMING in confronting the learner's errors, faults and areas of immaturity.
5. A commitment to STANDING by the learner through trials - even trials that are self-inflicted as a result of ignorance or error.
6. A commitment to helping the learner set GOALS for his or her spiritual life, career, or ministry and to helping the learner dream his or her dream.
7. A willingness to objectively EVALUATE the learner's progress toward his or her goal.
8. Above all, a commitment to faithfully put into PRACTICE all that one teachers the learner.

I believe the best learning doesn't come from a classroom or a book...it must be heard, seen, studied, handled, lived and experienced in order to be PROVEN and assimilated!

Question: Who is your Barnabas?

• Do you have someone in your life to encourage you?
• Do you have someone to believe in you, support you and guide you?

ENCOURAGEMENT is the kind of expression that helps someone want to be better!

Lessons from Barnabas:

1. He was generous with his finances (Acts 4:32-37)
2. He reached out to Paul when everyone else was skeptical about him. (Acts 9:26-31, 11:25-30)
3. He spent time with Mark when he had failed. (Acts 15:36-39)

This was the RESULT of Barnabas' encouragement:

• If it were not for Barnabas we would not have Paul's epistles nor Mark's Gospel; nor the rapid spread of the Gospel!

Four Key's to Barnabas' life (Acts 11:24)

1. He was a man of integrity.
2. He was a man full of the Holy Spirit (John 14:16-17, 26).
3. He was a man full of faith.
4. He was teachable. (Acts 13:43,50)

Question: Who is your Timothy?

• Do you have someone in whom to invest your own life?
• If married, you should look at your spouse, children or grandchildren as a "Timothy". But is there anyone outside your family in whom you are investing?

2 Timothy 2:2 "You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus, and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teacher others."

The 6 Keys of Mentoring

1. RELATIONAL - The you in 2 Timothy 2:2 refers to Timothy and the me refers to the Apostle Paul. People LEARN how to better love and follow Jesus in the context of FOCUSED FRIENDSHIP.
2. PERSONAL - The basics that Timothy learned from Paul were mediated through his unique personality, gifting and style.
3. THEOLOGICAL - Paul is faithfully delivering what he himself received from MANY WITNESSES or martyrs. Martyrs became public witnesses to the truth. The meaning of the word martyr literally means that Christian truth-telling could be TERMINALLY costly.
4. INTENTIONAL - All of us are involved in hundreds of unintentional relationships. However,  in the case of Paul and Timothy we see a relationship that was established for a specific purpose.
5. TRANSFORMATIONAL - Mentoring involves study, reflection; action and receptivity.
6. REPRODUCIBLE - Who will be able to TEACH others.

A Coach Believes the Best in You

Marvin Sapp released a great song "The Best In Me" a few years ago.  The lyrics are simple but the message is strong...

He saw the best in me
When everyone else around
Could only see the worst in me

A COACH believes the best in you...a critic always assumes the worst.  Friend, why would you ever listen to a person that believes the worst about you?
There are four types of leaders we need in our lives...

1. Rock Leaders
2. Gravel Leaders
3. Sand Leaders
4. Water Leaders

Each of these leaders have a distinct voice at distinct seasons in our life...

1. Rock Leaders can be abrasive in their communication with you and how they deal with a situation in your life or character. 
2. Gravel Leaders can rub you the wrong way in what they say but they also have walked where you are walking and can identify with where you're at.
3. Sand Leaders will filter you with their compassion, listening skills and understanding.
4. Water Leaders will refresh you when you're dry and thirsty.

Whenever I've been corrected or instructed by a COACH, I know they aren't approaching me  in cruelty but in courtesy.  They VIEW me through the lens of "God's Got a Great PLAN for You!"

However, a critic can almost be compared to a vulture...circling overhead just waiting on you to fail.  Sometimes, in the ministry, a vulture can swoop in looking for a piece of a sermon or a blog that they can rip out of context.  A critic doesn't care anything about the person they are criticizing...they just want to rip you apart with assumptions.

A COACH knows what you're capable of and will push you to a STANDARD even when it's uncomfortable. What profit is it to us if we are allowed to UNDER PERFORM?  A COACH will help us address the areas that we need to improve in but they will do it in such a way that we still feel loved afterward.

Roger Staubach who led the Dallas Cowboys to the World Championship in '71 admitted that his position as a quarterback who didn't call his own signals was a source of trial for him.  

COACH LANDRY sent in every play.  He told Roger when to pass, when to run and only in emergency situations could he change the play (and he had better be right!).  

Even though Roger considered coach Landry to have a "genius mind" when it came to football strategy, pride said that he should be able to run his own team.  Roger later said, "I faced up to the issue of obedience.  Once I learned to obey there was harmony, fulfillment and victory."

God says, "I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).  He's made each of us as His "workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which god prepared in advance for us to do" (Ephesians 2:10).  He will "equip you with everything good for doing His will" (Hebrews 13:21).

God has had His eye on you since before there was a world.  He put you here to make a difference only you can make - because He never made another one like you.  but so many people miss what they were born to be because they want to stay where it's safe.  And yet, Jesus is there, calling you to aim higher than what you've been settling for.  He wants you to go for the GOLD, not to settle for what's easy but empty.

More and more, my COACHES have stirred me to move out of where it was comfortable to follow HIM in a risky obedience.  Actually, there's no such thing as a risky obedience, only a risky disobedience.  When I've responded and gone with Him where I've never gone before, He has never left me out to dry!

COACH JESUS is calling you to do something big for Him!  He has put COACHES in your life who BELIEVE the BEST in you!

A Coach Will Walk With You

We all need someone speaking into our lives...but we can't be obsessed with everybody who has something to say about our lives.

Teddy Roosevelt said, "It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.  Whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause.  Who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement, and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

Anyone who leads will have their share of critics.  Criticism isn't all bad.  In fact, God can use your critic to catapult you.

Not everyone will agree with you.  That's OK.  Even your friends will probably disagree with you from time to time.  Again, that' OK.  "The wounds from a FRIEND can be trusted..." (Proverbs 27:6)

Jesus never allowed His critics to direct the course of His ministry.  Jesus surrounded Himself with a great team.  His example tells us that doing ministry ALONE is not only foolish...it's arrogant.  God has placed people in our lives for the purpose of ENCOURAGING and CORRECTING us.

Who should we listen to?  Honestly, there's hardly ever a time when you should listen to a critic...but we should ALWAYS listen to a coach.
  

Critics hardly KNOW you...but a coach has WALKED with you.

When we allow the voices of those who barely know us to influence us...then we are headed down the path of distraction.

This past year, as I watched our UPWARD Football games, I was particularly impressed by the coaching style of Payton Williams.  He took time to teach his players how to play the game better.  He spoke with them on a level they could understand.  His care for their welfare built a TRUST in their reception to his voice.

Leader...as you lead...remember that anyone who walks out in front will get kicked in the hind-end! 

Whatever you do...DO NOT give your valuable time and energy to the person in the stands who is chowing down on cotton candy and a frozen coke and does nothing but yell their opinion the entire time.  Give your time to a TRUSTED COACH who sees you as a human being and is interested in your success.

Paul said, "Although you have 10,000 instructors YET you have not many fathers." (1 Corinthians 4:15)  There are a lot of people speaking...some criticism, some celebration...but I'd say the thing that a COACH has that a CRITIC does not is my RESPECT.
It's a process...

1. Explaining - When we first came to BFWC I felt that I had to explain what God had called me to do and the purpose behind each decision we were making.  I hoped that I could get people to understand the WHY and the WAY.  However, I soon learned that most critics don't want an explanation...they want an argument.  They want the chance to shame you, to speak down to you, to tell you how right they are...and how much you stink.  I learned the hard way that trying to explain everything to everybody is fruitless and pointless.
   
   Don't waste your time trying to explain yourself to anyone who doesn't have the courtesy or the courage to look you in the eye and conduct themselves Biblically.
   
2. Bickering - Avoid arguing.  If you spend all your energy trying to put out the fires of negativity against your church, your ministry, your integrity, etc., all you'll end up with a "he said, she said" situation.  Apostle Paul said in 2 Timothy 2:23 to not have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments.  Move on.
   
3. Irritating - Allowing the Holy Spirit to develop Galatians 5:22-23 in your life is a process.  Without the FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT in us, we'd end up doing some stupid things out of anger.  When you let anger get the best of you...it will control you.  You'll spend all your time trying to answer your critics rather than really listening to the Lord...which can end up causing you emotional and spiritual damage.
   
   Remember when Paul told the church in Ephesus to NOT let the devil get a foothold? (Ephesians 4:27)  He was trying to help us steer clear from these offenses.
   
   Friend, don't allow the enemy to control you through your critics.  You are called to be on the OFFENSE in the Kingdom of God...NOT the DEFENSE!
   
4. Ignoring - Rid yourself from junk. Delete, remove, ignore and cut it out of your life.  Some people actually think that Facebook and Twiiter are the REAL WORLD and a REAL FAMILY.  They spend their lives distracted in the over indulgence of cyberspace.  When you're working for God, you don't have time to read negativity let alone post it.  Ask yourself this..."would Billy Graham do that?"  If not, then neither should we.
   
   The best way to put out the fires of hatefulness is to pour water...NOT gasoline.  I love what Nehemiah said in Nehemiah 6:1-4 when his critics tried to get him to take his eyes off of the work, "I am doing a great work...and I cannot come down."  Friend...STAY ON THE WALL...there are so many people that need you to stay focused!
   
5. Loving - Jesus wept over Jerusalem...but He also turned over the tables in the temple.  There is a time to respond in boldness but there is also a time to respond with love and compassion.  I prefer the latter.
   
   Remember when the prodigal son came home and the older brother didn't come in the house to meet him?  The father goes outside and pleads with the older brother to come in.  It seems that the older brother (the critic) was just as lost as the younger one.
   
   Loving people with compassion doesn't mean you have to explain everything to them...or even exchange words with them...but simply praying for them and asking God to allow them to come into the house and celebrate what God is doing - even if they don't understand the process.